Sunday, 19 May 2013

Quit it now!

So i was 13 and I was a stupid teenager, well every teenager is a stupid teenager. One fine day a friend of mine introduced me to a foe of mine. (random wisdom alert!!) No one knows what is beyond the door until its been opened, well that fine day i opened the door, i smoked a cigarette. I went past the unknown, i never knew what a cigarette felt like and at very moment without realizing and without knowing the gravity of the situation i smoked. I never knew what was to follow after that, my tiny tiny wisdom couldn't quite judge in what dangerous pit i was falling into. Maybe the universe had acted wrong at that moment, maybe a tiny piece of debris had been destroyed which wasn't meant to be, maybe a butterfly flapped its wing that extra time. But what followed later was a fascinating story, a beautiful ugly journey that lead me to the state that i am today.

The first cigarette that i smoked felt kinda nasty, i coughed violently, it is said that the first kiss is unforgettable, well i say first kiss and first cigarette is unforgettable. I bet on whatever cash i have that you, yes reader you, if you are a smoker you totally remember each and every detail of the moment, who made you smoke, how did you smoked, what happened after you smoked. At first it was all cool and impressive, it was like "i'm a badass and i ain't gon listen to nobody". I was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, i never cared about the consequences, if could go back in time i would have punched myself so hard in the throat that due to the pain i wouldn't have tried swallowing any liquid, solid or even gaseous thing, that is how much i hate myself for doing that. Slowly it was becoming a necessity for me. It was crawling deep into my system. I was myself, normal, doing normal stuff but when that urge used to come i always went into different zone. I went into those crazy adrenaline mode where i had to had a cigarette to stabilize myself. It was all strange for me, still i was not been able to decipher what this was. I was becoming an addict without even knowing it. At that age a lot of stuff happens. Newly hit puberty, that sense of becoming a man but actually you're an asshole for considering yourself manly at that age. Same was for me, i thought if could jizz through my penis i could do everything, i could smoke it and quit it whenever i like. But little that i knew that, that urge was already a part of me, i always thought that is the last one that i am smoking and 2 hours after that i thought again. Soon i found myself smoking 6-7 cigarettes a day. Till that day i did not knew what deep shit i was into. I was like "yeah i am smoking cigarettes, so what?". Years went  and i continued smoking, at one point of my life i was such a champion smoker that i used to smoke 15-20 cigarettes a day and yes im not proud of it at all. Friends were with me, almost all the time. We used to hang out every single evening and smoke our asses out. It was all normal hangout, chit chat about stuff, girls, girlfriends, a cup of tea here and there and of course cigarettes, pretty much my teenage life. Then i entered my 20's. That sense of supermanly feeling that i felt the first time i jizzed was strangely gone, comfort made me feel invincible and struggle suddenly made me feel vulnerable. I was struck as if by a bolt of lightning as to how fucking wrong i was, about everything, about life, ABOUT MYSELF! One fine night i was sleeping, a sudden chest pain woke me up. It was severe and i don't wanna get into details but trust me it was and still is worst night of my life. I started to experience all the signs of a deteriorating condition of a body, of my body. Still i was not considering to quit it.

 I was running after my friend who was a non smoker and ran for almost 40 seconds approximately and then i stopped, i was out of my breath, a sudden acute pain jolted my chest, i fell on the road, my friend seeing me rushed back towards me, i thought this is how it ends, my vision turned blurred, sweat pouring through my face, it was hot, he picked me up, got water for me from somewhere, i drank it, sat for a while and after 20 minutes or so i smoked another one. Well that was the moment i realised that i had jumped into a pit and i was falling into it and me smoking that cigarette was the bottom of the pit. I was no longer falling, i had reached the bottom looking into the sky upward hopelessly. I wanted to quit i wanted to climb back but i smoked yet another one after that.. I was ready to climb now..

Part 2 next week....