Sunday, 9 June 2013

Quit it now part 2

First of all i am really really sorry. I admit i was a total jerk for not posting in time. I mean who does that? Who doesn't fulfil their promise apart from our politicians? Well enough with the apology and my silly jokes lets dig into the topic. So here goes.....

So where was I? Yeah! I had a life threatening moment because of a cigarette. I was out of breath for running no more than a minute. Heck i ran for 40 seconds and i collapsed into the ground, how lame is that? It was all because of non other than a cigarette. Cigarettes! It became a part of me. It was inside my system. And i finally got to know it that it had consumed me. But i was ready to quit it, i was ready to climb again. That ugly pit i had fallen into was not too deep for me.

It occurred to me that day, that i was loosing myself, every decision i was making was flawed, i was loosing my confidence, even the awesome things that i did seemed kinda lame. This inability to quit smoking made me doubt myself, my very intellectual self, my conscious and sub conscious mind. I was not sure how i was gonna quit it, i always thought that a magical elf would someday come and bash my brains out and take this addiction with himself. I cried, a lot, i was in a very bad place. Remember a dream in which you simply can not move your legs when you wanna run badly, like being chased by a monster? You feel helpless, you fall, you crawl, you try get up on your feet, but you legs are heavy, they are almost numb, they are like feather, so light, so fragile, you get up on you feet, you try to run again, but you can not, there is some external force trying to hold you back, that monster is nearing, its all so close and it grabs you. BOOM! You wake up. Well that urge to smoke was so strong than my urge to quit it was puny. I felt my brains go crazy, it was like that dream, i wanted to run away but i could't, my self conscience went weak whenever i urged for a smoke. It kept pulling me. I kept telling "just leave me please" and till this day i couldn't figure out whom i was telling this and then came the reply "i ill leave you the next time but now you gotta do me for one last time". Every time became the last time and every time i was trying to run but i simply couldn't. That monster always grabbed me and whispered "i ill leave you the next time but now you gotta do me for one last time". So i was fishing and was with my friend and beautiful silence. It was simply quiet, no vehicles, no honking horns, no megaphones, no barking dogs just silence and beautiful fishes. Now you smokers can certainly understand that without a cigarette this moment was incomplete and non-smokers would be like "meh! no cigarettes? so what?". Trust me my friends this was the type of moment for an awesome smoke. It was quiet outside but deep down, in my mind it was chaos. Like a war between Luke Skywalker and The Darth Vader. It was mayhem. "No don't smoke it'll get worse!" , "it won't get worse i have it under control, i won't do it the next time". After an immense battle that monster appeared, slowly approaching, the cigarette pressed between my lips, searching for my lighter, the monster was stretching arms to grab me, i lit the lighter paused for a few seconds, threw the lighter, threw the cigarette, punched the monster into his nuts and told him "well if at all you come next time, come prepared better than this time, coz it's not gonna be easy for you buddy, it's my turn to make your feets numb". That was the first time i realised it was not some elf who was gonna help me, actually let me call it my elf, my sub conscious elf.

Well that was the day and this is also that day this very night is the same as that day too. Its been 3 years since i knocked that monster down and still am knocking that son of a bitch. Each and everyday that same war wages inside my mind, each time im winning the war since that day. Look i was not here to give you step by step instructions on how to quit smoking but i'm here for you my friend, not you, not you, not you but YOU. I know you wanna quit, i know you are damn sure about wanting to quit it, i believe in you. I know people judge you when you say you wanna quit but still are unable to. Don't be too harsh on yourself buddy. It was not some magic that led me to quit it, actually you never quit smoking, once it gets into your system it never really leaves you. I am still a smoker who doesn't smokes. Well hasn't smoked in 3 years. If i smoke even now, i'll become an active smoker again. Its just something you have to live with, something you must fight each and every second of your life. That monster, you need to hit it and hit it and hit it for the rest of your life. Of course you will become stronger and stronger for that you need to hit it for the first time and continue doing so. Please don't quit your attempt to quit smoking. That pit is not too deep at all and that monster is too fragile to be defeated repeatedly. Trust me...

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Quit it now!

So i was 13 and I was a stupid teenager, well every teenager is a stupid teenager. One fine day a friend of mine introduced me to a foe of mine. (random wisdom alert!!) No one knows what is beyond the door until its been opened, well that fine day i opened the door, i smoked a cigarette. I went past the unknown, i never knew what a cigarette felt like and at very moment without realizing and without knowing the gravity of the situation i smoked. I never knew what was to follow after that, my tiny tiny wisdom couldn't quite judge in what dangerous pit i was falling into. Maybe the universe had acted wrong at that moment, maybe a tiny piece of debris had been destroyed which wasn't meant to be, maybe a butterfly flapped its wing that extra time. But what followed later was a fascinating story, a beautiful ugly journey that lead me to the state that i am today.

The first cigarette that i smoked felt kinda nasty, i coughed violently, it is said that the first kiss is unforgettable, well i say first kiss and first cigarette is unforgettable. I bet on whatever cash i have that you, yes reader you, if you are a smoker you totally remember each and every detail of the moment, who made you smoke, how did you smoked, what happened after you smoked. At first it was all cool and impressive, it was like "i'm a badass and i ain't gon listen to nobody". I was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, i never cared about the consequences, if could go back in time i would have punched myself so hard in the throat that due to the pain i wouldn't have tried swallowing any liquid, solid or even gaseous thing, that is how much i hate myself for doing that. Slowly it was becoming a necessity for me. It was crawling deep into my system. I was myself, normal, doing normal stuff but when that urge used to come i always went into different zone. I went into those crazy adrenaline mode where i had to had a cigarette to stabilize myself. It was all strange for me, still i was not been able to decipher what this was. I was becoming an addict without even knowing it. At that age a lot of stuff happens. Newly hit puberty, that sense of becoming a man but actually you're an asshole for considering yourself manly at that age. Same was for me, i thought if could jizz through my penis i could do everything, i could smoke it and quit it whenever i like. But little that i knew that, that urge was already a part of me, i always thought that is the last one that i am smoking and 2 hours after that i thought again. Soon i found myself smoking 6-7 cigarettes a day. Till that day i did not knew what deep shit i was into. I was like "yeah i am smoking cigarettes, so what?". Years went  and i continued smoking, at one point of my life i was such a champion smoker that i used to smoke 15-20 cigarettes a day and yes im not proud of it at all. Friends were with me, almost all the time. We used to hang out every single evening and smoke our asses out. It was all normal hangout, chit chat about stuff, girls, girlfriends, a cup of tea here and there and of course cigarettes, pretty much my teenage life. Then i entered my 20's. That sense of supermanly feeling that i felt the first time i jizzed was strangely gone, comfort made me feel invincible and struggle suddenly made me feel vulnerable. I was struck as if by a bolt of lightning as to how fucking wrong i was, about everything, about life, ABOUT MYSELF! One fine night i was sleeping, a sudden chest pain woke me up. It was severe and i don't wanna get into details but trust me it was and still is worst night of my life. I started to experience all the signs of a deteriorating condition of a body, of my body. Still i was not considering to quit it.

 I was running after my friend who was a non smoker and ran for almost 40 seconds approximately and then i stopped, i was out of my breath, a sudden acute pain jolted my chest, i fell on the road, my friend seeing me rushed back towards me, i thought this is how it ends, my vision turned blurred, sweat pouring through my face, it was hot, he picked me up, got water for me from somewhere, i drank it, sat for a while and after 20 minutes or so i smoked another one. Well that was the moment i realised that i had jumped into a pit and i was falling into it and me smoking that cigarette was the bottom of the pit. I was no longer falling, i had reached the bottom looking into the sky upward hopelessly. I wanted to quit i wanted to climb back but i smoked yet another one after that.. I was ready to climb now..

Part 2 next week....

Sunday, 12 May 2013

How me, you and everybody has changed minus bullshit!

One of those Saturday night when i don't feel like sleeping and when i sleep i don't feel like waking up.. Saturday night is my night, a night in which i feel like a king (sorry grammar nazis, i know i suck at grammar). So where was I? Ah! Usually i watch movies or any any of my favourite TV series which i had missed because of my pathetic hectic life. But tonight was different. Tonight i decided to watch a movie for which i would never ruin my Saturday night, which i hold so tightly. I watched Any Body Can Dance aka ABCD. First thing that ringed bell was the title itself. I mean it was Any Body Can Dance and after watching the movie i can totally say that i certainly can't dance. Moving on to the movie. The acting was pathetic, i mean for once i felt sorry for the people who went to watch it at the theaters and felt hopeless for the whole human race when i recalled one of my friend praising the movie, for its acting for gods sake! The only thing watchable in the movie was the dance. I never thought that in a Bollywood movie such dance steps can be pulled off. Indian dancers can dance. And what should i say about Prabhu Deva! He is an awesome dancer and equally a bad actor (note: pathetic word not used coz he was reasonably good). The scenes, the emotions in it, and the acting to create those emotions were lacking, so in my opinion even a dance based movie needs reasonably solid acting.

But i'm not here to give movie reviews. The title of the post says it all. I'm here to throw a rather serious questions to you people. Well at least i think it is a serious question to me so please go with it. What if this movie was released when there was less bombardment of Hollywood movies and Tv Series? What if this movie was released before we knew anything about the Step Ups and the Harry Potters and the Avatars and The Game of Thrones and the Dexters and blah blah blah and the blahs. Would this movie still suck? Would this be just another cheap attempt to be a ME TOO ME TOO in front of the mighty Step Up? Hollywood movies means business like "lets kick some ass of other movie industries". I mean they are huge, they invest a lot of money to make it look good, feel good and make you feel your money hasn't gone wasted. That satisfaction, that sense of great value for your money has somehow made us insensitive towards our own movies. Movies which we make. I'm not saying ABCD was a ground breaking movie but if we remove this Hollywood angle from our perspective wouldn't we give this movie a 6 out of 10 instead of 4 out of 10? I'll give it a 4 and it all comes back to square one. And this Hollywood angle has made us so arrogant towards our own movies, our own culture that whenever we see a reasonably good movie we immediately jump into conclusion "Step Up was way way way better than this one". This arrogance, this Hollywood angle is stopping us to appreciate a reasonably good movie. I remember watching Mela starring none other than Amir Khan, it was released on 2000 AD (oh yeah! Freakin AD) and back then i really enjoyed the movie and laughed whenever Amir Khan did something utterly silly and got scared whenever the dreaded Gujjar came into the scene but now if you had to torture me and make me beg for my own death you only have to tie me to a chair and cut off cut eyelids and make me watch the movie in a repeat mode. This is a pretty big change in my perspective and perhaps it has happened to you too also. And all this lecture of mine is to make myself understand that why i kept on skipping through the scenes during the entire movie, why i couldn't tolerate the non sense acting that i managed to enjoy in Mela? I mean Mela was disgusting movie but still i enjoyed it. The answer was simple right in front of me, the movie queued right after ABCD, it was Life of Pi. The Hollywood movie. And sadly i'm never again gonna enjoy a reasonably good movie. Im not saying that movies like Himmatwala should be appreciated, the director of the movie should be pelted with rotten eggs and after that should be fed to the sharks and make no mistakes movies like Gangs of Wasseypur, Barfi, Kahani are excellent movies and are right up there but (emphasising) REASONABLY GOOD MOVIES are never gonna be enjoyed again. Perhaps this change is irreversible but somewhere around the corner i really wanna appreciate this movie and i hate myself for not being able to do that.

PS: i should have watched the last episode of the Game of thrones season 1. At least my Saturday night wouldn't have been ruined.

Signing off.. Adios!!

Saturday, 11 May 2013


Greetings internet people i'm from past like dinosaurs and other stuff! But in all seriousness, this is my first attempt at blogging and i know i'm not gonna suck at it. I'm not gonna talk about the theory of evolution or the purpose and the meaning of life (seriously i have seen a lot of blogs about these topics and i'm sick and constipated of all these), so where was I? Ah! My blog is gonna be what a blog should be. My things, things which i think, which i believe in, which i think you people should think about, and blah and blah and blah. I have a gut feeling that like minded people, people like me, retarded, twisted and somewhat normal are gonna like reading whatever i write. So! What the frack am i waiting for? Lets start this thing! Next post tomorrow.