HELL

Deep space exploration is a war we are fighting, an intergalactic war. There are Allies, The Rebels, the Exiles, the Troopers. All fighting one war, space exploration. At this point we are all past the bombs, and mass murder, and the genocide but we still have soldiers, soldiers who have to abandon their homes and families forever. I still remember the words of my dying father “war never changes son, it takes everything you got and leaves you with nothing, God doesn’t like war”. I seriously doubted him, if God never wanted war then why is there so much of it?

It’s 5.30 Universal Standard Time, we are about to approach a very peculiar planet. We first detected it at Terra Prime, our home planet. I still remember it, my dad, the head of the Terraforming committee showed it to me and said that this planet could be our next frontier. Within 7.30 UST we’d be entering the atmosphere of Planet(SWTFA7) provided I have enough antimatter to get the ship into the hyperspace. “Jules” I enquired, “What’s the antimatter count?” “99 dots sir”. Yeah, that’s enough to get us into the hyperspace, “Alright crew, buckle up we are about to go hyper”. *ZOOP*.

We underestimated the gravitational pull of the planet. It is precisely 1.98 times more than we calculated. My dad calculated and his calculations were never wrong. The hull began vibrating under the immense gravitational pull, we cannot apply the thrusters coz we used half the antimatter during the hyperspace travel. “SIR” shouted Ross, terrified “We are going down, I cannot pilot this thing alone anymore”. I grabbed the stick and hoped for the best. “Remember son, war never changes, this is war we are fighting”. We entered the atmosphere of the planet, the anti heating agent kicked off and protected the ship. “Brace for the impact” I shouted. Just before the impact our pilot Ross applied the thrusters which might cost us dearly in the future. The ship landed with minimal impact. All crew members intact and alive, time to explore this planet.

I opened the hatch and according to the standard protocol the scouts were to be sent at first, no robots coz robots are only well, robots. As I opened the hatch I saw red. Everything was red. as if some maniac had murdered this planet and left it to bleed to death except for the fact that it is already dead. The scouts returned and reported nothing unusual, .2 times more atmospheric pressure than Terra prime, 1.98 times more gravitational pull than Terra Prime, just normal stuff, nothing unusual. Taking this is as a positive sign I, the main explorer stepped out of the ship. My vitals were normal according to my suit but I could feel my skin burning with plastic and the smell of rotten corpse. The suit that we wore was a closed system so there was no chance that we could smell anything besides our own sweat. Or, is it my sweat? Upon asking the two scouts about unusual burning sensation and smell their answer was negative. Suddenly I heard something loud, like a million souls screaming for help, pleading, begging, howling, as if God had abandoned them. I raised my gaze and I saw a cave, it was coming from there. I had to see it, this is war we are fighting after all. I started walking towards the cave. The burning sensation increased, the smell intensified. I felt like I was leaving behind everything. I felt like a soldier. I turned back to check up on my crew, they were doing good, following protocol. I entered the cave, screaming, so fucking intense screaming. You could die hearing it. Upon going further I saw people. People like us. Their flesh rotting, their teeth falling, drinking their own piss, sitting in their own feces, the smell was nothing to be compared with and if someone died they got resurrected and thrown into same condition. As if God had abandoned them to their own misery. A woman looked into my eyes “you are one us”. I tried to run out of the cave but i stopped. Something made me stop. A voice, a very familiar voice “war never changes son, it takes everything you got and leaves you with nothing, God doesn’t like war”. I turned around and saw him “we are the agents of war son, we must rot in hell for eternity, welcome home”.

Hey there,

I am someone who has a lid on him. A lid that no one could open. Fuck, I have so much going inside my mind I don't even know why I opened this tab and started to write in the first place. Maybe I am bummed, maybe I am holding something inside me that wants to explode, that wants to break free, I don't want it to break free I don't want it to explode. If it breaks free it might take a lot of people with it and I would keep it inside me and let it implode me rather than hurt someone else. I thought no one could bring me to this point, no one can make my knee jerk, no one could make my throat feel like there is a dagger inside it. my throat hurts, it wants to say words, words that might not matter. Sometimes stars, planets, galaxies align, all the protons, electrons, behave as it should to make everything fall into the right place, well, it is total bullshit. That never happens, that is life for you. You are always at the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought I could never love again.

PS: this was not meant for the readers of my blog although i know i have none. This is because I had to say these stuff, I had to take it out of my system and I had nobody to say this to. So.....

blue_katie

Today after a long long time I am back. I am back for a very specific reason and as always I am gonna apologize for not writing that too often. I have been very freakin busy and life as I thought when I was teenager did not turn out to be. Ok where was I? Yeah, usually I write for all the people who read my blog and let's be realistic, nobody reads my blog; my blog is like an eraser- you use it once or twice and then you forget where you kept it and buy a new one. Speaking of erasers, I could really use an eraser right now to erase something which has happened recently. 

I am writing this for one particular person, the person with whom I have absolutely no contact, I only have a name, Katie. You see, something happened; I am not good with words usually but that particular person bought the best out of me. I actually managed to have a decent conversation with an another human being after what happened to me the previous year. There I was, my head buried deep into the sand, refusing to see the world, rejecting the anomalies and then Katie happened. I talked to her, made a deep connection with her. Believed that I can rise up again, don't get wrong though, after that tragedy that had happened the last year, I was getting laid consistently but Katie made me believe that I can start again, that getting laid is not the solution to my problem, that I can believe again, that I can HOPE again. I was giving her a big eloquent speech about hope but in reality I was giving that speech to myself. She wanted to sever all the ties with me but that HOPE speech made her think otherwise. It was an online dating site we were talking on. 

Dear Katie,

                   This one's for you. When I got your last e-mail, I was very happy. I had already started to hope, you gave it to me. But then I read the latter part of the letter, it shocked me. I was angry knowing that you talked to me for some social experiment, I felt like a lab rat. I was so sure that we had some sort of connection. But you know what calmed me down? Although I was an experimental subject, I too meant something to you, you too felt some sort of connection. We may never talk to each other, we may never meet but this conversation will always remain with me. I will take this conversation with me throughout my entire life as a beacon of HOPE. Maybe I needed something like this, maybe things with you were meant to be like this, maybe the countless stars in the universe working like a cogwheel sent you so that I can HOPE again. I am not angry, I am just sad and happy at the same time. And you know me as a comedian so here's something for you if you are reading this.

Frog 1: trrrrrrrrr

Frog 2: trrrrrrr

Frog 1: trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Frog 2: prrrrrrrr

Frog 1: dude, don't change the topic.

Ship Sinks.

It has been a while that i had a chance to write something and now that i have the epiphany that i need to write something and i know it is gonna suck. But i know YOU, my readers, which is basically none, which is ironic is gonna appreciate whatever i write.

First of all i need to catch up and you need to catch up with me as to what has happened in my life. You see when life kicks you in the crotch  then only get to know what values do balls have. I am not here to give big eloquent speech as to how life treats and and how you should treat life. No no no, i am not here to do that. I am here because I just simply want to write something and i am hoping that whatever comes out, does strike a chord with someone who reads this sitting somewhere or laying somewhere holding a phone in the hand and stumbles into this page. And now that i have your attention or rather i must say now that i have locked my target i must begin.

Imagine an island ever so close. The island is approaching fast, you command your ship to go slower so that you can dock your ship there which had been lost in the vast abyss of nothingness and water. You and your crew is hungry and thirsty and this island is probably your only hope. Your skin is full of rashes caused by hostile saline waters of the sea, your throat screams "water water" you had a whole sea full of water but you couldn't drink it (such is the irony of life), the mass between your bones and skin are fast disappearing, the mere thought of standing up and looking for the island wants to kill yourself, with each breath a part of you soul escapes and in these situations that island is your only hope and that island looks green as hell. But wait! Why does that island look further and further as you approach towards it? "Am i hallucinating?" you think "but i haven't seen bigfoot yet and when i hallucinate i tend to see bigfoot, ergo i am not hallucinating".  But the faster you go the farther it gets. "Maybe my methods are wrong maybe i need to go slow" you think. You go slow and steady and then it seems that the island is as if extending its arms to embrace you. You go slower and slower and it approaches faster. But wait again! Why is island disappearing into the thin air? It is acting like a holographic image. Flickering. Like the thing which happens in a science fiction movie. "STOP" you command. You think and think and think. "Is it something wrong again?". And then you realise you did not offer the prayers to sea gods. The sea gods must be angry. So you offer the prayers and VOILA! It worked! You look up into the sky. "It is about to rain we must brace ourselves". Sidebar:- Throughout your life you wanted that ice cream the, chocolate one but you did not get, the toy which you wanted but your dad did not get you caz it was made of toxic material, you had that 90% score ever so close but you did not get because you were overconfident that you'd get it, you thought that you were in love and that the woman in your life is the love of your life only to find out later that your life would've been hell with her. You thought you had all these thing within the distance of your grasp but something, something ever so tiny, something so insignificant, something insignificant became something big and something big became something fucking gigantic and that something gigantic took it away. *Sidebar close* Now back to the story. "Prepare the ship for the rain we are approaching the island and we'll be there in no time". It starts to thunder heavily, as if something wants to stop you from getting there. "Prepare the mast! Empty the upper deck, employ all men to the lower deck! Go with the wind! " You shout you scream you empty your fragile lungs off all the air in it just for a single little hope. It starts to rain now along with heavy storm. All the waves, the air those tiny little droplets of fire conspiring against you. Now the island again starts go farther and farther as you approach towards it, it starts to flicker again, but you still did not panic. "Faster Faster! Sail faster! Full mast! Full mast! go full mast!" Now this is a fight for you. All those candies, and ice creams, toys and girlfriends denied to you is coming to haunt you again, they are saying that you did not get them coz you never deserved them, your stomach begins to growl again, your head explodes with each droplets of water falling on it. You know what you gotta do the sound of the thunderous cloud commanding you to stop trying so hard. YOU STOP! You command your ship to go into a complete halt. A huge wave covers your entire ship and falls into you like a billion fists punching into your body. You decide it is time to sleep now. You take one last look and the island disappears while flickering.

"What is this place? So green? And watery? Am in heaven? Is this what heaven looks like?" You see you feel you smell. Everything works fine. You punch yourself. "Fuck! That hurt!" No, you are not in heaven, you realise. "Fuck me! This is Island!"

This is the end. Im not gonna write how he ended up there or what is the moral of the story. I am just a fan of certain Christopher Nolan and he leaves the interpretation to his viewers. So i am trying it too.

Quit it now part 2

First of all i am really really sorry. I admit i was a total jerk for not posting in time. I mean who does that? Who doesn't fulfil their promise apart from our politicians? Well enough with the apology and my silly jokes lets dig into the topic. So here goes.....

So where was I? Yeah! I had a life threatening moment because of a cigarette. I was out of breath for running no more than a minute. Heck i ran for 40 seconds and i collapsed into the ground, how lame is that? It was all because of non other than a cigarette. Cigarettes! It became a part of me. It was inside my system. And i finally got to know it that it had consumed me. But i was ready to quit it, i was ready to climb again. That ugly pit i had fallen into was not too deep for me.

It occurred to me that day, that i was loosing myself, every decision i was making was flawed, i was loosing my confidence, even the awesome things that i did seemed kinda lame. This inability to quit smoking made me doubt myself, my very intellectual self, my conscious and sub conscious mind. I was not sure how i was gonna quit it, i always thought that a magical elf would someday come and bash my brains out and take this addiction with himself. I cried, a lot, i was in a very bad place. Remember a dream in which you simply can not move your legs when you wanna run badly, like being chased by a monster? You feel helpless, you fall, you crawl, you try get up on your feet, but you legs are heavy, they are almost numb, they are like feather, so light, so fragile, you get up on you feet, you try to run again, but you can not, there is some external force trying to hold you back, that monster is nearing, its all so close and it grabs you. BOOM! You wake up. Well that urge to smoke was so strong than my urge to quit it was puny. I felt my brains go crazy, it was like that dream, i wanted to run away but i could't, my self conscience went weak whenever i urged for a smoke. It kept pulling me. I kept telling "just leave me please" and till this day i couldn't figure out whom i was telling this and then came the reply "i ill leave you the next time but now you gotta do me for one last time". Every time became the last time and every time i was trying to run but i simply couldn't. That monster always grabbed me and whispered "i ill leave you the next time but now you gotta do me for one last time". So i was fishing and was with my friend and beautiful silence. It was simply quiet, no vehicles, no honking horns, no megaphones, no barking dogs just silence and beautiful fishes. Now you smokers can certainly understand that without a cigarette this moment was incomplete and non-smokers would be like "meh! no cigarettes? so what?". Trust me my friends this was the type of moment for an awesome smoke. It was quiet outside but deep down, in my mind it was chaos. Like a war between Luke Skywalker and The Darth Vader. It was mayhem. "No don't smoke it'll get worse!" , "it won't get worse i have it under control, i won't do it the next time". After an immense battle that monster appeared, slowly approaching, the cigarette pressed between my lips, searching for my lighter, the monster was stretching arms to grab me, i lit the lighter paused for a few seconds, threw the lighter, threw the cigarette, punched the monster into his nuts and told him "well if at all you come next time, come prepared better than this time, coz it's not gonna be easy for you buddy, it's my turn to make your feets numb". That was the first time i realised it was not some elf who was gonna help me, actually let me call it my elf, my sub conscious elf.

Well that was the day and this is also that day this very night is the same as that day too. Its been 3 years since i knocked that monster down and still am knocking that son of a bitch. Each and everyday that same war wages inside my mind, each time im winning the war since that day. Look i was not here to give you step by step instructions on how to quit smoking but i'm here for you my friend, not you, not you, not you but YOU. I know you wanna quit, i know you are damn sure about wanting to quit it, i believe in you. I know people judge you when you say you wanna quit but still are unable to. Don't be too harsh on yourself buddy. It was not some magic that led me to quit it, actually you never quit smoking, once it gets into your system it never really leaves you. I am still a smoker who doesn't smokes. Well hasn't smoked in 3 years. If i smoke even now, i'll become an active smoker again. Its just something you have to live with, something you must fight each and every second of your life. That monster, you need to hit it and hit it and hit it for the rest of your life. Of course you will become stronger and stronger for that you need to hit it for the first time and continue doing so. Please don't quit your attempt to quit smoking. That pit is not too deep at all and that monster is too fragile to be defeated repeatedly. Trust me...

Quit it now!

So i was 13 and I was a stupid teenager, well every teenager is a stupid teenager. One fine day a friend of mine introduced me to a foe of mine. (random wisdom alert!!) No one knows what is beyond the door until its been opened, well that fine day i opened the door, i smoked a cigarette. I went past the unknown, i never knew what a cigarette felt like and at very moment without realizing and without knowing the gravity of the situation i smoked. I never knew what was to follow after that, my tiny tiny wisdom couldn't quite judge in what dangerous pit i was falling into. Maybe the universe had acted wrong at that moment, maybe a tiny piece of debris had been destroyed which wasn't meant to be, maybe a butterfly flapped its wing that extra time. But what followed later was a fascinating story, a beautiful ugly journey that lead me to the state that i am today.

The first cigarette that i smoked felt kinda nasty, i coughed violently, it is said that the first kiss is unforgettable, well i say first kiss and first cigarette is unforgettable. I bet on whatever cash i have that you, yes reader you, if you are a smoker you totally remember each and every detail of the moment, who made you smoke, how did you smoked, what happened after you smoked. At first it was all cool and impressive, it was like "i'm a badass and i ain't gon listen to nobody". I was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, i never cared about the consequences, if could go back in time i would have punched myself so hard in the throat that due to the pain i wouldn't have tried swallowing any liquid, solid or even gaseous thing, that is how much i hate myself for doing that. Slowly it was becoming a necessity for me. It was crawling deep into my system. I was myself, normal, doing normal stuff but when that urge used to come i always went into different zone. I went into those crazy adrenaline mode where i had to had a cigarette to stabilize myself. It was all strange for me, still i was not been able to decipher what this was. I was becoming an addict without even knowing it. At that age a lot of stuff happens. Newly hit puberty, that sense of becoming a man but actually you're an asshole for considering yourself manly at that age. Same was for me, i thought if could jizz through my penis i could do everything, i could smoke it and quit it whenever i like. But little that i knew that, that urge was already a part of me, i always thought that is the last one that i am smoking and 2 hours after that i thought again. Soon i found myself smoking 6-7 cigarettes a day. Till that day i did not knew what deep shit i was into. I was like "yeah i am smoking cigarettes, so what?". Years went  and i continued smoking, at one point of my life i was such a champion smoker that i used to smoke 15-20 cigarettes a day and yes im not proud of it at all. Friends were with me, almost all the time. We used to hang out every single evening and smoke our asses out. It was all normal hangout, chit chat about stuff, girls, girlfriends, a cup of tea here and there and of course cigarettes, pretty much my teenage life. Then i entered my 20's. That sense of supermanly feeling that i felt the first time i jizzed was strangely gone, comfort made me feel invincible and struggle suddenly made me feel vulnerable. I was struck as if by a bolt of lightning as to how fucking wrong i was, about everything, about life, ABOUT MYSELF! One fine night i was sleeping, a sudden chest pain woke me up. It was severe and i don't wanna get into details but trust me it was and still is worst night of my life. I started to experience all the signs of a deteriorating condition of a body, of my body. Still i was not considering to quit it.

 I was running after my friend who was a non smoker and ran for almost 40 seconds approximately and then i stopped, i was out of my breath, a sudden acute pain jolted my chest, i fell on the road, my friend seeing me rushed back towards me, i thought this is how it ends, my vision turned blurred, sweat pouring through my face, it was hot, he picked me up, got water for me from somewhere, i drank it, sat for a while and after 20 minutes or so i smoked another one. Well that was the moment i realised that i had jumped into a pit and i was falling into it and me smoking that cigarette was the bottom of the pit. I was no longer falling, i had reached the bottom looking into the sky upward hopelessly. I wanted to quit i wanted to climb back but i smoked yet another one after that.. I was ready to climb now..

Part 2 next week....

How me, you and everybody has changed minus bullshit!

One of those Saturday night when i don't feel like sleeping and when i sleep i don't feel like waking up.. Saturday night is my night, a night in which i feel like a king (sorry grammar nazis, i know i suck at grammar). So where was I? Ah! Usually i watch movies or any any of my favourite TV series which i had missed because of my pathetic hectic life. But tonight was different. Tonight i decided to watch a movie for which i would never ruin my Saturday night, which i hold so tightly. I watched Any Body Can Dance aka ABCD. First thing that ringed bell was the title itself. I mean it was Any Body Can Dance and after watching the movie i can totally say that i certainly can't dance. Moving on to the movie. The acting was pathetic, i mean for once i felt sorry for the people who went to watch it at the theaters and felt hopeless for the whole human race when i recalled one of my friend praising the movie, for its acting for gods sake! The only thing watchable in the movie was the dance. I never thought that in a Bollywood movie such dance steps can be pulled off. Indian dancers can dance. And what should i say about Prabhu Deva! He is an awesome dancer and equally a bad actor (note: pathetic word not used coz he was reasonably good). The scenes, the emotions in it, and the acting to create those emotions were lacking, so in my opinion even a dance based movie needs reasonably solid acting.

But i'm not here to give movie reviews. The title of the post says it all. I'm here to throw a rather serious questions to you people. Well at least i think it is a serious question to me so please go with it. What if this movie was released when there was less bombardment of Hollywood movies and Tv Series? What if this movie was released before we knew anything about the Step Ups and the Harry Potters and the Avatars and The Game of Thrones and the Dexters and blah blah blah and the blahs. Would this movie still suck? Would this be just another cheap attempt to be a ME TOO ME TOO in front of the mighty Step Up? Hollywood movies means business like "lets kick some ass of other movie industries". I mean they are huge, they invest a lot of money to make it look good, feel good and make you feel your money hasn't gone wasted. That satisfaction, that sense of great value for your money has somehow made us insensitive towards our own movies. Movies which we make. I'm not saying ABCD was a ground breaking movie but if we remove this Hollywood angle from our perspective wouldn't we give this movie a 6 out of 10 instead of 4 out of 10? I'll give it a 4 and it all comes back to square one. And this Hollywood angle has made us so arrogant towards our own movies, our own culture that whenever we see a reasonably good movie we immediately jump into conclusion "Step Up was way way way better than this one". This arrogance, this Hollywood angle is stopping us to appreciate a reasonably good movie. I remember watching Mela starring none other than Amir Khan, it was released on 2000 AD (oh yeah! Freakin AD) and back then i really enjoyed the movie and laughed whenever Amir Khan did something utterly silly and got scared whenever the dreaded Gujjar came into the scene but now if you had to torture me and make me beg for my own death you only have to tie me to a chair and cut off cut eyelids and make me watch the movie in a repeat mode. This is a pretty big change in my perspective and perhaps it has happened to you too also. And all this lecture of mine is to make myself understand that why i kept on skipping through the scenes during the entire movie, why i couldn't tolerate the non sense acting that i managed to enjoy in Mela? I mean Mela was disgusting movie but still i enjoyed it. The answer was simple right in front of me, the movie queued right after ABCD, it was Life of Pi. The Hollywood movie. And sadly i'm never again gonna enjoy a reasonably good movie. Im not saying that movies like Himmatwala should be appreciated, the director of the movie should be pelted with rotten eggs and after that should be fed to the sharks and make no mistakes movies like Gangs of Wasseypur, Barfi, Kahani are excellent movies and are right up there but (emphasising) REASONABLY GOOD MOVIES are never gonna be enjoyed again. Perhaps this change is irreversible but somewhere around the corner i really wanna appreciate this movie and i hate myself for not being able to do that.

PS: i should have watched the last episode of the Game of thrones season 1. At least my Saturday night wouldn't have been ruined.

Signing off.. Adios!!